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- Coach Kimberly
- Kimberly Chastain is the Christian Working Mom Coach and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She has a passion for encouraging and supporting Christian Working Moms. Find out more about Christian Working Moms at www.christianworkingmom.com
19 comments:
I guess we don't have a specific place for Prayer Requests? Will you all please pray for Bonnie. She is my best friend's sister and they just found out that she has breast cancer.
Thank you,
jenlon
Hi Jenlon,
It is fine to list prayer requests and the Open Comment Section if fine. I will pray for Bonnie.
I am posting this for Cheryl.
I am wondering how other mothers cope with their children getting older. I am having a really hard time. I have a 12, 8, and 4 year old and find myself usually sad about the things we won't experience again. I'm always aware of time - thinking that "this will be the last year for x or only 1 more year of my 4 year old being home, or only 4 more years for Santa excitement, only one more year of being able to hold my youngest, etc... I'm going to miss cuddling and holding and getting up at night, and nursing.
I don't know if it is my age (43) that's also contributing to this acute sense of loss. We are also trying to conceive but hasn't happened yet. and I have to accept that it may never happen. I'm really not ready to move on . I do enjoy and still love my children enormousely, but really am aware that my time with them is short. I realize that so much of my identity and frankly my joy and contentment revolves around my children and particularly having them young. I do have a great husband and marriage, a fulfilling career, and yes I enjoyed lots of activities like the movies, windsurfing, hiking, plays etc.. before children. But it just doesn't compare to my life now with children.
I used to think you had that intensely intimate relationship until they left home. But I see now that they start to move away to some degree much sooner. I still have a great relationship with my 12 year old, but it's definitely on a different plane - also good - but certainly different.
Am I the only one or is this something that other moms go through too. I don't have many close friends with kids as old or who themselves are as old as me, so I don't feel like I have anyone who knows what I am going through. Most moms I've talked to with older kids say they like it when they get older, as life tends to get saner. That I would agree with, but I'd rather have insanity and lots of really young ones around. You can have sane when you get old. I'm not old - at least in my mind.
Thanks,
Cheryl
Hi Cheryl,
I can relate very much with you. I'm 43 as well and my kids are 12 and 9. At the end of every school year I get a little sad thinking about the next grade they will be in. I still call my kids (at home only) with my pet names and they let me know they are big now. I guess we are acutely aware of how short our time with our children are. My 12 year old daughter is starting to pull away as well. While I know, as a therapist, it is developmentally appropriate it still hurts a little as a Mom. One thing I have learned is when my children do want to talk I drop everything and listen, often it is late at night when I'm exhausted, but I need to take time to listen. A friend once told me when your children get older it is a different kind of tired, you go from being physically tired to emotionally tired (worried about what they are doing). I guess I don't have any real answers for you Cheryl, but I do know how you feel and have been there myself and I'm still there. Trying to enjoy the moment, but not always successful.
Cheryl, I think every mom goes thru what you are going thru. My kids are 10 and 7, and I cried like a baby this year when my daughter started 1st grade. All of the sudden now she is growing up too. I wanted more children too, but it wasn't "in the plan" I guess. But the only way I get through it now is looking at old photo albums to savor the memories and I try to conentrate on all of the great things we get to teach and do with them now that they are getting older. All of the activities that you mentioned "before" children can now become something you enjoy "with your children." I hope that gives you a little lift. =0)
We started camping lot more in the last couple years..boating again (my son even got his very own knee board for his birthday last summer) I have to concentrate on the new exciting things to keep myself out of the sadness of them growing up.
I hope you do not feel that I am taking away from the feelings that you have. Savor every minute that you have with your kids!!
I still miss all of the things that go along with babies, snuggling, cuddling,~ I made mu husband get me a cat(actually we got 2)!! HAHAHA! and now I'm pulling for a puppy!!
Even if what I said doesn't help much at least you know that you are not alone. I have days when I really get overwhelmed with feeling sad that they are growing up. I will pray that God will lift this sadness for you.
jenlon
PS thanks so much for the help on the sleep issues. More than anything it sure helps to know that we are not alone~
Thanks for your comments, Kimberly and Jenlon. It does help to hear others' feelings. I really didn't expect this to be so hard so early. I know I am grieving the very real posibilty that I may not be able to have more, even though I want more. So it really does seem like a dead end.
My 12 year old daughter just got her first babysitting job today and that was exciting - something new.
I do miss "newness", but I know in my head that I will move on.
Thanks again!
Cheryl
You are welcome Cheryl and I'm glad you were able to post. I think change is just plain hard. I do hope God will give you peace as well about the situation.
Kimberly is right! It is so hard to see them grow up so quickly! I had one of those weekends~ I got a call from a friend I haven't talked to in quite awhile and as we were catching up we were talking about our kids. She thought my daughter was only 4!! SHE IS SEVEN!! Talk about realizing how fast time goes. I just keep reminding my kids that I will keep hugging them no matter how old they get!
jenlon
Kimberly and Cheryl,
You both seem to be on same "playing field" so to speak and I was wondering if you guys have gone through morning struggles! I have been so disappointed in myself lately. We have all been so tired and can't seem to get it together in the mornings. I get frustrated with my husband because he doesn't help with our morning routine (never has). And I am still exhausted even though my daughter is generally making it through the night now. I don't know if it is just the weather getting to us or what, but I could really use some helpful ideas on getting myself motivated to get up in the mornings!!! We do have to have an early start. My kids should be at daycare by 6:30am in order for me to make it to work on time. I am fortunate to have a position where I am somewhat flexible, but techinically I should be here by 7am...I've been pushing 7:15 lately and my kids have been having alot of cereal!! I used to try to make sure they had a good breakfast to start their day, but I just really feel off track lately! (I am not looking forward to the early time change this year!)
Any ideas or prayers or suggestions would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!
jenlon
Hi Jenlon,
I can imagine mornings are hectic. Will your daycare let your children eat breakfast there, if you bring it? Also, I know it may sound funny but you could let them go to daycare in their PJ's and change there. My first babysitter let me bring my daughter in her PJ's and would feed my daughter, her first bottle. If that doesn't work you can certainly lay out the clothes the night before. Also, one Mom on this blog a year ago or so suggested letting your children sleep in the clothes they would wear the next day. Would your husband be able to help you in taking turns with drop-off in the morning? I do think also getting to bed at a decent time is important. As working Moms we tend to let our kids stay up longer to be with them, but then everyone is cranky and irritable in the morning. Oh, one more thing I wouldn't worry about cereal. Most of us grew up eating cereal for breakfast. I hope I helped you a little. Do hear me saying I know it is tough.
Thanks Kimberly...We have an "8:30" bedtime, but I try make my 7yr old go to bed at 8pm. We do set out clothes the night before because they actually go to a before/afterschool program, so they have to be ready.
I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself because I don't feel like we are getting much time together in the morning.
They actually do eat at school...even when I would make hot breakfast they would take it. I make french toast ahead of time and they pop it in the toaster at school. and sometimes I would even scramble eggs before we left and would put them in a cassarole dish for them to heat in the microwave. Plus they are great about leaving stuff there. We each have our own little cabinet, so I leave cereal,poptarts, granola bars, bowls and plastic silverware at the school.
I guess I am just in one of those phases....
jenlon
Jenlon,
I totally understand. My family, really all of us, are not really morning people. So, we don't have meaningful conversations in the morning and I have been okay with that. When my husband and I were first married I remember reading a marriage book about all these wonderful things you were supposed to do at breakfast. My husband and I just laughed. A kiss goodbye is usually the height of our conversation. It sounds like you are doing the best you can. Enjoy the moments in the evening. That is wonderful that your daycare allows you to have a cabinet. I hoping tomorrow morning will be much better for you.
Kimberly~ thanks for that last reply! Ya know that hit a note for me~ We have great evenings so I should be okay with just funtioning in the mornings!! LOL I still struggle with being a "perfectionist", I just need to remember that some of that stuff isn't such a big deal...I think I was just letting some of the other moms(from Bible study) get to me about how they would never rush in the am because it is so important to start your kids off right in the morning..a couple of them get up an hour before thier kids so they can completely concentrate on them!! But hey, my kids are clean and have brushed hair and teeth and food~ so they are fine!! And I never leave daycare until I have gotten a couple hugs and kisses~ LOL Besides we all have our own schedules and what works for them is different than what works for me~ However; I did order a new alarm clock!! It is "peacful progression wake up alarm". It has light that gets brighter starting 30 minutes before the wake up time!! I can't wait to get it! LOL
jenlon
Jenlon,
You are welcome. Sometimes being in a group with a bunch of Moms can be helpful and sometimes hurtful. Things that you never worried about start becoming a problem. I'm convinced God decided we were the right Moms for our children. That progression alarm clock sounds cool. Let me know how it works. I always set mine for 10 minutes early and then hit the snooze button. Have a good weekend.
Hi Jenlon,
I let my kids sleep in their clothes if things are getting crazy. I don't have experience with going to daycare, so I can't really help you with that. But I do know what you mean about feeling like you're missing out on something or not doing something in the most ideal way(in your case morning time). I find myself frequently noticing something I could have done better (or at least expect myself to do better).
We always have an easy breakfast - cereal or toast or oatmeal. I almost always find mornings hard as people need to get off to school and I to work. I go into my office usually 3 full days a week and work from home the other 2 (sometimes I have to go in on those 2 days :( ). So, I usually leave for work before the kids even wake up. (My husband is home on those days) My point though is that I sometimes feel extreme guilt over leaving and not saying good bye and helping them get their day off to a good start. I know that they don't like waking up and not having me home - they've told me. So, there's some of my mommy guilt.
I also know what you mean about being with other women and suddenly thinking some part of your life is not as good as theirs. Happens to me a lot, as I am in a play group with all stay at home moms. I have to work hard to reminding myself that I'm doing my best and that my life is not sub-standard because I'm not home all the time.
Well, I hope this will actually post. Hope this is somewhat helpful.
Cheryl
Thanks to both of you ~again!!
Sometime I wonder where I get these expectations of perfection for myself!! LOL I appreciate hearing from you.
I took the day off Friday and I really needed it. I went shopping with a girlfriend and and found some good deals! =o) I was glad to have that fun! I let stress get the best of me sometimes! That is my hardest battle is worry and stress! I am much better than I used to be...and as my relationship with God grows stronger I have found much more peace in praying about it all.
Thanks again! I feel blessed to have found you two!
jenlon
Hi Jenlon,
I love those days off that are not part of the routine - don't you appreciate them so much?!
I too get really stressed, esp. when work is super busy with deadlines and due dates, etc...
Last semester I had severe and chronic neck pain and went for 2 massages, which didn't even put a dent in the problem. It took about a month after the semester ended for my neck to heal! That was an eye opener for me. So I am working on being more still and in the present. I think about the verse where God says to "be still and know that I am God". When I put that into practice I am a much more grounded and positve person.
Hope you had a good Monday.
Cheryl
Cheryl~ I hope your neck is ok now! =0)
Sometime it is hard to be still! LOL
Ok so anyway~ I LOVE the alarm!! we got it yesterday and set it all up!! The progressive light was great and I don't think we have had such a relaxing morning...ever!
Of course this was the first morning for it, but it sure seems like it will be great~ hubby loved it because he doesn't like it when I turn on the light in the am~ This made the adjustment easier for him! He even got up and got me a cup of coffee this am!! (that never happens either!) LOL the kids thought we were watching animal plant because of the bird noises!!! LOL Anyway... didn't want to ramble, just wanted to update you guys on the new alarm clock!!
jenlon
Jenlon,
I'm glad that alarm clock worked. It sounds way cool. You all will be one happy family. Maybe you can be on a commercial!! Just kidding.
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